You might be looking for the perfect gift for your politically correct friend, who disdains violence. You want to be a good Christian and your friend to know the “truth” of a loving God, but the Bible has so much violence in it. So what do you do?

You give them the new “Violence-Free Bible“. It’s not consistent with God’s original revelation to the divinely-inspired authors, but the “translators” of this new version have more sensible and relevant understanding of today’s modern culture. In it, you’ll find a safe space for your mind. No more fascist God who judges people for rebellion. No more Old Testament violence against minorities. Instead:

• Angered by humanity’s sin, God drowns the earth in a global flood of puppies and candy.
• As a sign of the covenant, God commands Abraham to get a lit “Shalom” tattoo on his wrist.
• The Israelites and their Egyptian captors collaborate to reduce their collective carbon footprint, causing the Red Sea to lower.

Are you tired of New Testament violence? Fixed!!!

• When He’s about 33 years old, Jesus establishes a large megachurch at Calvary, has a successful, uplifting ministry, and eventually retires to the Sea of Galilee on his attractive 401K plan.
• Ananias and Sapphira donate part of their allotted offering to the church, and the Apostle Peter asks them to stand and be recognized for their generous donation.

BUT WAIT!!!! That’s not all. If you order now, you’ll also receive this book, which is based on a true story, but is miracle free. No more crossing out the passages of those old translations that are scientifically unverifiable.

Passage like Genesis 2:7 Fixed!

Then the Lord God took a few thousand hominids formed from ape-like ancestors through evolution and breathed in them, and they became spiritual beings.

Tired of the Proverbs throwing religion at you? Fixed!

The empirical method is the beginning of knowledge.

Methodological Naturalism is the beginning of wisdom.

The fear of man is most important for today’s Christians to maintain academic respectability, but he who trusts in the Lord is naïve.

Even Jesus, who was wrong about science, gets his quotes from John 3:12 Fixed!

If I [Jesus] have told you earthly things like the fact that Adam and Eve existed ‘from the beginning of creation’ and the global Flood really ‘occurred’, and I’m wrong, don’t worry; just believe me anyway if I tell you heavenly things.